This is not Spring. It’s an extended late winter. I have never seen so much rain. Yet, though we are all apparently longing for the sun, the plants and trees are exploding with green. They are drinking in all the water, and are lush and healthy.
Why is it that we long for what we lack? Then, when it comes, like the sun, we say “it’s too hot”. It is part of the human condition to long for what isn’t.
I re-started a daily gratitude practise. This because my partner mentioned that I seemed depressed for the past six weeks, and was more negative than the time when my mother was dying. That hit hard. (the funny thing is that I had been worrying about HIM being depressed for the exact same length of time. )I began this gratitude practise, but am still saying things like “I hate it when you do that”, and “what an idiot” in my head.
So if I was truly full of gratitude wouldn’t I just accept people for being arrogant and condescending? For doing things that look like they are to highlight my mistakes, or that I haven’t completed a task yet? Like cc’ing the big boss on all the messages?
I look forward to retirement. To a time when I can limit game players, the nasty, the abusive in my life. But will I? The reason those people are in my life is for access to a treasured child, or because I need the work. What will change when I retire? Will I truly cut out all the negative people? What if I AM one of the negative people in my life? What if everything I can’t stand about the people I am forced to deal with is something that exists in me that needs healing?
I am not sure we are on this earth to heal, actually. It isn’t about being happy, evidently. It is more about learning, growing, and getting ready for the real world, the next world. We have stolen moments of happiness only.
I need to learn to enjoy myself again. I have forgotten how along the way. I focus on the fact that I am tried, or not feeling up to par. I focus on the fact that to visit my loved one, I have to drive eight hours in two days. I don’t focus on the joy of being there. Why? I wish I knew.
I need to embrace enjoyment. I need to take it in through my pores, and allow myself to relax. I don’t much know how to do that, anymore, either.
So I guess there is my answer. Be grateful, learn to enjoy, and relax. Is there anyone out there that gives lessons? I could take one from my late mother, and Aunt. Mum went profoundly deaf in her 30’s suddenly. She didn’t even blink. She learned to lip read, and was a genius at reading people. Auntie was as strong as a man, and lost her sight and mobility. She didn’t waste her time getting depressed or angry, just figured out what she could still do, and did it. Lived on an island that still doesn’t have electricity or a car ferry. Had a fish wheel, grew all her own food, canned, cooked, baked on a wood stove.
I don’t know why I am not like those women who were the greatest of my teachers. Mum knew how to enjoy herself just people watching. I can still see her sitting there with her benign smile, watching. Like it was a movie.
She and Auntie Betty traveled the world together. They didn’t just go to Hawaii or Florida. They hit the Eastern Block just after it opened, got lost in St. Petersburgh. They took off to Cuba. They didn’t let their disabilities get in the way of having fun, enjoying, relaxing. Why is it that I am?
I guess the answer is, don’t ask why, just change it. I am going to stop writing right now. Walk outside. Enjoy the blossoms and those lush trees laden with rain that they have sapped up through their roots.